![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pyrosgfAdam Lambert's Aftermath is ringing deep for me today. It reminds me that even through the hardest times in my life... I wasn't alone. Tomorrow my grandma would've been 70. I was 15 when she passed and that was hard. She raised me. So with that on my mind I'm going to share something I wrote back in 2002 just a lil over a year after she died.
I sat and watched the frail body of a lively woman I used to know. Her shallow breathing and paling skin made my heart sink. I knew she would never walk again. I knew she would never laugh again. I knew she would never be the grandmother I knew again.
The hurt consumed my heart. I wanted to die knowing that you were leaving me. The fiery woman that raised me giving up on a life she loved. Feeling as if my heart would burst. The hollow place that can't be filled, the place you used to occupy. The pain, it flows like a bloody river. The pain of knowing I was losing you causing my world to crumble before my eyes. My whole world had fallen as you lay there on that bed so still and unlike yourself.
A dark place inside me consumed with fear and loss. Watching you body lying lifeless on the bed. Feeling the tears streaming down my face so hot and mourning in your absence. Opening the door that had not been opened in over three months so the most beautiful ray of sun could shine upon your head. A body left as the soul drifts with the ray of sun to the heavens as we were left to mourn.
A feeling of emptiness looking in the coffin at your body that had been dressed and made up. This person so not like the one I used to know. Tears again flooding my eyes threatening to spill over like a river without end. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To say goodbye t the angel who raised me. To the woman I loved with my whole being.
The pain easing as I forget sometimes you're gone. Going to call for you and then remembering that you're no longer here to answer my calls. Again crying, crying as opposed to taking my own life. Crying from the pain and sadness once again consuming me until a new day dawns.
~Those emotions and grief flew right back at me the first time I heard Aftermath. It was really hard to listen to until after seeing him perform it live. When I hear it live I smile because I'm so proud of myself that I was strong enough to make it through, and that I wasn't alone in those dark days.
Value the time you have with your loved ones no matter how upset you get at them because your time with them is precious and limited. And if you've made it through this entire post... know that no matter what you're going through in your life you aren't alone.
I sat and watched the frail body of a lively woman I used to know. Her shallow breathing and paling skin made my heart sink. I knew she would never walk again. I knew she would never laugh again. I knew she would never be the grandmother I knew again.
The hurt consumed my heart. I wanted to die knowing that you were leaving me. The fiery woman that raised me giving up on a life she loved. Feeling as if my heart would burst. The hollow place that can't be filled, the place you used to occupy. The pain, it flows like a bloody river. The pain of knowing I was losing you causing my world to crumble before my eyes. My whole world had fallen as you lay there on that bed so still and unlike yourself.
A dark place inside me consumed with fear and loss. Watching you body lying lifeless on the bed. Feeling the tears streaming down my face so hot and mourning in your absence. Opening the door that had not been opened in over three months so the most beautiful ray of sun could shine upon your head. A body left as the soul drifts with the ray of sun to the heavens as we were left to mourn.
A feeling of emptiness looking in the coffin at your body that had been dressed and made up. This person so not like the one I used to know. Tears again flooding my eyes threatening to spill over like a river without end. Saying goodbye is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To say goodbye t the angel who raised me. To the woman I loved with my whole being.
The pain easing as I forget sometimes you're gone. Going to call for you and then remembering that you're no longer here to answer my calls. Again crying, crying as opposed to taking my own life. Crying from the pain and sadness once again consuming me until a new day dawns.
~Those emotions and grief flew right back at me the first time I heard Aftermath. It was really hard to listen to until after seeing him perform it live. When I hear it live I smile because I'm so proud of myself that I was strong enough to make it through, and that I wasn't alone in those dark days.
Value the time you have with your loved ones no matter how upset you get at them because your time with them is precious and limited. And if you've made it through this entire post... know that no matter what you're going through in your life you aren't alone.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-04 12:13 am (UTC)The line about dressed up in the coffin resonated with me. I didn't know my grandmother all that well and was young when she died but I remember feeling like it didn't look like her in the coffin.
I like the ending most of all - you are in the aftermath part after a major hurt.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-04 01:47 am (UTC)And yeah the aftermath is a lot better than living through it. The pain lessens and the good memories beam a lil brighter.
(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-04 12:28 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-04 01:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-12 12:17 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2010-12-12 03:32 pm (UTC)