I don't even know...

[pyrosgf]

Yeah I'm sure half of this won't make sense, but I'm just letting myself write about whatever comes to mind. If you actually take the time to read it, kudos to you, but I don't expect comments.



So, this summer was pretty much more than I ever could have hoped for. I met so many awesome people and so many people went out of their way to make me feel a part of a whole. Now I kinda feel like I'm falling apart. I feel the normal let down of coming off a concert high that I didn't get after the shows. I feel isolated, and alone even though god knows I normally never get five minutes alone in a day.

I'm warring with myself. My hormones are completely fucked at the moment with my period so I'm sure it's adding to this, but I feel the tinges of depression sinking back in. With the cold, and the 'most magical time of year,' I just wanna crawl in a hole and sleep. My hair is shedding worse than my cats, and I know it's from everything going on.

I worry about ridiculous things, namely people I don't even know who have no clue I exist and things I have no control over. I worry about the friends I've made who aren't within my reach. I know I'm not the only one hurting. I feel like some of those friends are slowly slipping away without my permission. I feel helpless.

Solace was my writing for so long. It's the way I work through my problems. I can't write at the moment the words won't come. I did however quite by accident discover the fanfic writer who I looked up to that originally inspired me to write is now a professional author. I started writing fanfic over ten years ago in the WWE fandom, and she is the reason I wanted to write. She has such a fantastic way with words and even all these years later I'd wondered whatever happened to her. I googled her again and found a post she made on an Italian board. Took the name she used to post there and googled it. Found her on twitter and felt like a complete stalker, but it finally gave me a chance to thank her for inspiring me. That was a bright spot in my week.

My birthday is in a lil over a month. With each year its a constant reminder that I have NOTHING to show for my life. I'm soon to be twenty-five, divorced, no children, no life. It's a constant reminder that there is no meaning to my life. Why do I get up in the morning? It saddens me more that half the time the answer is Adam. This year without Adam, I don't even want to imagine. Take Adam out and most of the rest of this year has been bad. A constant fight to stay afloat. For my birthday this year I wanna be warm. I have no disillusions of this happening since it's already way too cold outside, but if it snows before my birthday I'm going to cry.

No, this year wasn't a complete bust. Most of my non-fic entries this year have been about the amazing people I've met this year, concerts, getting to meet Adam, finally coming out as bi to my family. I'm blessed for the many good things, but the bad seems so much heavier. I just don't even know.

I don't know what the future holds, but I know that something has gotta give.

Comments

[fobsessed54.livejournal.com]

whatever happens I'll be here! :D Keep writing, even if it's stream of consciousness--just to put words on to paper (or..computer screen i guess). And i'm sure Adam would be very happy to hear he's a bright spot in your life!

[phantomkennel.livejournal.com]

I think adulthood starts at 25 for most people, so you're just beginning. I am prone to judging my life's accomplishments against arbitrary standards all the time, but it's not a helpful thing to do. Keep writing, brainstorm things you'd like to do, places you'd like to see, etc., and make small steps toward a plan without beating yourself up over it. And just be kind to yourself. <3

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

You know, at 25 - I had dropped out of grad school, was going back to get my nursing degree and was back living with my parents - just telling you this because a lot of people find themselves at 25 questioning where they are and what the hell they are doing.

The writing will come back, I'm sure of it :)

And I'll be here *HUGS*

[tommyglitter.livejournal.com]

At 25, I had a handicapped baby that I was raising on my own, and working in a bar to pay my bills. I ate at work, because I couldn't afford to feed me and the baby both. Things changed.

The only constant in life is change. It may get better, it may get worse, but it WILL change.

Set down and write. Write your dreams for your life, and where you want to end up. Then find the steps it will take to accomplish it. There will be many steps, write them all. When you are sure you have a complete written plan, start with the first step. Whatever you do, where ever you go, it all starts with the first step.

Adam has been your shining star, and he talks about when he wanted more out of life. It takes footwork. It starts with one little step. You can do it! Have faith in yourself and in the universe. A positive attitude will get positive results. It takes work, but YOU CAN DO IT!

You know I love you, and I'll be here for you, bb. I have faith in you!