Really Weird Place

[pyrosgf]

I'm in a really weird place in my life right now. I kinds of feel like somewhere along the way I lost myself. I'm almost 25 and have only ever been on a hand full of dates in my life. That's a feat considering I was married in high school and only had one relationship before that. Divorced by 21 and was in an almost three year relationship since then.

I guess it's never just been me for any length of time and the men I was with needed mothers. I don't know how to date, I don't go out, I haven't the slightest clue how to have fun. My grandmother passed away my freshman year of high school and that was when I kicked away my childhood, and apparently my teenage years too.

Now with being unemployed since last year I have lost touch with reality. I've developed social anxiety and can't go out without wanting to panic. All this leads up to me saying so my dumbass bought tickets to a concert, and it's in a week and I wanna vomit on my shoes at the thought.

I think probably in the past six months I might have been out of the house once every two weeks if I'm lucky and I think that's pushing it. Now I'm going to be thrust into a crowd of around two thousand and hope and pray I don't lose my shit. I'm going alone, which leads to a whole other bucket of fears, but apparently a few people I've met on twitter will be there.

Ugh I've been having random shaking spells the past two weeks or so and I just don't even know what to do with myself.

I'm hoping that next Saturday I won't crash. Depression is always worse after big events in my life. Hoping to meet Tommy, don't think it will happen... overall, just wanna crawl in a hole and hide. I don't wanna come out again, I just wanna be forgotten.

It's funny how different the person I project is to the little kid inside that's just begging not to be hurt again.

Oh god I don't even know. I'm shutting up now.