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Reflection
So last entry I wrote I had really wanted to write more about things that are going on in my life, but it was just too much at the time. I've had some time to think on it and I dunno I think the fact that a couple weeks later I'm still dreaming about it that it's bothering me and I probably need to get it out.
So June 10th Michael came in for the weekend. He hadn't ate and it was late when he got here so we went up to the Coffee House so he could grab something to eat. We sat inside and talked and during this time my past walked in the door. Now I've only ever had two serious relationships as an adult. My ex-husband and most recently my ex-boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend and I haven't been together since February of last year. That's irrelevant to this though. Anyway, I'm going to have to go back. WAY BACK.
First day of Kindergarden I met Corey. I was smitten. And through the years I discovered it was mutual. In second grade he moved away. He was upset because he had to leave me. No this was not my imagination my parents and his parents were in contact and because the whole situation wasn't his choice he ended up coming back to my school that same year. Alright so fast forward to forth grade. I would get in trouble because I was a car rider and I would stay with him in the classroom because he washed the blackboards and cleaned up since he was a second load bus rider. That year he asked me to his birthday party. I told him I would come as long as I wasn't the only girl there. I went and when I got there the only other boy there was his little brother. And imagine my surprise. When I got ready to leave he handed me a bag, which I later opened in the car and it was a teddy bear. His birthday and he was giving me a gift. Then came middle school. We'd always had the same teachers and he was assigned a different teacher and went to the principal and got switched. Through out middle school we hung out and I helped him with his homework, but his friends would give him a hard time over me.
Then in high school we had a class together. During that class he wanted me to help him and his friends with answers and I told him that it was time for him to grow up and do it himself. I couldn't do it anymore. Not long after that he dropped out. That was the last time I saw him until like 2005. I graduated high school in 2004 and like a dumbass I was married before I graduated. I was young and dumb and when I saw him in 2005 it was at a basketball game at my old school. I was there with my husband so I couldn't go talk to him without my husband throwing a fit. That was the last time I saw him, so imagine my surprise when he walks into the Coffee House and doesn't even say a word to me.
I was kinda upset. He placed his order and went back outside to wait for it so I excused myself from the table and went to see if I could find him. I went outside and there he was. I asked him if he knew who I was and he said yes. We made small talk and he barely even looked at me. I knew he was married, but honestly I expected him to at least be warm to me since we hadn't seen each other in so long. I'm hurt. What can you do though? Now I keep dreaming about him. That he's telling me he still loves me and he's sorry. Ugh it's the last thing I need right now.
Anyway, besides all of that Michael and I had a woops. There was alcohol involved and it was the first time I'd had sex in over a year. We didn't even kiss. It was kinda odd. It didn't make things weird between us though and now he's out of the area again with his job so I probably won't see him again for a while.
My step dad is the bane of my existence. If you've followed my livejournal at all for the past few months you'll know that I've recently embraced the fact that I'm probably at least bi. I had my first kiss with a girl last August... for all intensive purposes I'll call her Dee since I'm tired of saying girl. Anyway Dee and I were going to try and get together this week before my trip since she lives in the same vicinity as the airport I'm flying out of. I've been looking forward to it for months and my step dad decides he's going to fly into another airport a few hours before my flight so we have to go there first to pick him up and by the time we get to the city I'm flying out of I won't have the time to get together with Dee. I'm upset on all counts the past few weeks I guess because nothing I plan ever seems to pan out.
Well, yeah onto my next topic of conversation. Of course everyone knows New York passed the gay marriage law and while that doesn't affect me since I live in shit hole North Carolina and have no hope for finding anyone to be with anytime soon it's kinda thrown up a lot of emotions for me. I found out about the vote at 4am the morning after it passed and had a mixed reaction of joy and resentment. Yeah I shouldn't resent people finding love and it's not the gay marriage I resent as much as people finding someone they want to be with for life. I've come to the conclusion I'm like the six month relationship freak. I have the attention span of a flea and after six months I'm bored or overwhelmed by someone being in my space all the time and just can't stand it. But at the same time I miss having someone there. I miss having someone to cuddle up with to sleep. I miss kissing, gods do I ever miss kissing. Ugh... I just... BLAH.
I don't know with all the Pride parades and stuff, again shit hole NC so there isn't one close to me and I bought myself a tee-shirt instead. The shirt says 'love is love' and I think that's pretty much how I feel about it. I was watching True Life on Mtv about bi people and I was overwhelmed with the amount of comments from people that were basically preaching that you have to be gay or straight there is no in between. I think that's bullshit. I mean when I was probably 10 maybe 11 I was talking my best friend into showered with me to 'conserve water.' And by 16 I was watching girls on TV thinking to myself 'wow she's really hot.' And as a senior one of my best friends was a lesbian. I often wish that I'd said something to her about how I was feeling. Honestly I think she could've helped me. Then again by then I was already in a serious relationship with a man and was about to make one of the biggest mistakes of my life. Oh well things seem perfectly clear in hindsight. Now I'm confused because while I know I like women I'm kinda fucked living here. I can spot a gay man from a mile but I never know with girls and here, same sex relationships are still really taboo, minus the high school population it seems.
I dunno I'm not even sure the point of writing this. I just know I'm stressed about my trip and flying again after 6 years. I'm hoping this trip might give me some perspective on life. I'm so tired of feeling lost in the crowd and so fucking lonely I might as well be truly and utterly alone.
Fuck it... I need to shut up and try to sleep.
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Now I guess I'm not really sure anymore. I think it's less about the situation and more about the person now. I need someone who can accept me for who I am and not try to change me. I need someone who can overlook my baggage and many faults and someone who will understand the fact that I have issues. Who that person is be it male or female isn't important anymore, but sometimes I'm not sure someone exists like that.
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Anyway, just know you're not the only one that feels so lonely they resent those that are celebrating right now.
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So I totally feel you.
I hope you find someone special and will treat you the way you need to be treated.
And I know that like Adam says, things get better. =D
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When you go see Raja, you will be around a lot of gay people. Enjoy it! Flirt! Walk up to strangers and introduce yourself. Ask someone to dance. If the person doesn't want to, that's just perfectly fine, move on. Life takes practice.
End of lecture. You know I really care about you! You'll get though this and meet someone when the time is right. I tell myself the same thing. Hang in and know you are cared about by a lot of people.
Big hugs... Alana
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When I go see Raja I dunno what I will do honestly. My social skills are HORRIBLE. I hate being in crowds, but I'll try to be social.
Seriously I appreciate your friendship so much. <333
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luv u.. <333
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There's a bunch of us out here who love you lots <3333
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<333 *hugs*